...i had to. this week has been a bit draining, and i fear i have fallen under the trance of none other than the complaining monster - that stealthy, slimy creature that makes everything seem like a burden. (and i only wish everything was an understatement.) it's embarrassing. today while i picked strawberries with my mom, both of us straining our backs in the warm sun scanning the vibrant greenery for the brightest reds, i apologized. i apologized for complaining so easily. for being so easily discouraged and frustrated. she laughed and said, "you don't need to apologize to me, i didn't make it hot..." haha. i love my mom.
let me back up. this week i began working, actually the working began on saturday and in some sense has not seemed to have ceased since. i've been planting our garden, watering flowers and seeds and vegetables, weeding, mowing grass like there's no tomorrow, scrubbing patios, picking up sticks, dead-heading plants, raking, wrestling with lawn mowers, etc. this wouldn't be so bad, but this week it has been wicked hot. (new england, i hope you appreciated that adjective choice. haha) i mean, hot, humid, close to 100 if not over on some days. and friends let me tell you, this week i have been swallowing hard those words of "i just LOVE being outside!" because this week all i wanted was a swimming pool, a basement, an ice cream cone, maybe even a snowflake. how can it be that i can long for something for so long (say, the heat, for instance.) and then when it finally comes, i can turn around and be anything but content. like an infatuated teenager, my heart shifts. this tension in my heart weighed heavy this week. not only was i unsatisfied with the weather, but i also found myself easily discouraged with the work provided for me - and yet in my mind i heard myself saying, just a few weeks ago, "i cannot wait to do 'manual labor' as opposed to all of this studying and paper writing.'" ugh. i am constant like the shapes in the clouds. the complaining, the acknowledgement of the tension, and this overwhelming burden of knowing how much money i owe my dad wrecked me this week. i hated knowing that i should be spending my time working as much as possible, and also knowing that working was the last thing i wanted to do every single morning. (i came into the summer knowing i owed my dad about $800 for school and insurance, and then i got a flat tire (did you know tires are expensive? bummer.) friends, i hate letting money consume my thoughts. i let it happen so easily. i hate starting off the summer without a dollar to my name. but i'm determined to not let the money thoughts win this summer. God provides, this i know.)
so, all that jumbled mess to say that it's been a rough week.
but God is gracious.
yesterday the humidity finally threw up its hands. the wind returned; the sun gave us a break. i rejoiced. i had breakfast with my youth pastor and found my heart encouraged. i spent the afternoon reading and writing, thinking and praying. i finished a book. i practiced unicycling and harmonica. i drove around with ellie and her sister, emma. i pushed the neighbor girls on our tire swing and told them about my elementary school days. i went on a run. (and found a kitten!) i met with a friend and drank tea. i wrote a letter. it was good.
in the middle of my complaining this week, God reminded me of his presence- and the importance of practicing the presence of God, the discipline of doing all things for him, out of love for him. (he brought to mind the collection of Brother Lawrence's writings that i read second semester - how quickly i have forgotten those pieces that i first thought were so convicting! the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak.) he reminded me that he provides, and he knows best, better than i ever will. he's provided me with this work to do, it's a gift. he's given me these talents, if you will, and i must be faithful to them so that when the master returns i have something to offer back to him... (i'm still reading through the book of matthew.) i am asking for mercy in learning to do menial things with great love. i am trying to be grateful for those things that are far easier to complain about. it's hard. if you remember, pray that i can better practice the presence. pray that i will live with gratitude for all things, knowing everything i have is a gift. pray that i will learn to do the everyday things for God, not for me. (not even for money.)
and these things i complain about, are indeed gifts...
1. the flat tire enabled me to spend more quality one on one time with my dad. i learned how to change a tire. i learned more about cars. (haha woohoooo.)
2. the need to earn money convinced me to babysit tonight, to give up "my" friday night to hang out with two girls who are hilarious... and you know what? i got paid for chasing their chickens around the yard. haha we had quite the time trying to get them back in their little house. and guess what i realized? i'm really afraid of chickens. their beaks, their talons, their flapping wings. i love eggs, and someday i think i would love to have eggs fresh every morning from chickens... buuuuuuut chickens make me want to run in the opposite direction. haha i'm going to have to work on that.
i need to go to sleep. i have high hopes of waking early to make granola. (because my mom bought plain greek yogurt just for me! and i am dying to eat it with some fresh granola, man oh man.) also i'm getting my haircut tomorrow... might i get some kind of bangs?
so much love from this house with the windows wide and the lights dim.
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