off the skewer and into the bonfire

My dear friends,

It's eleven--the magical hour before midnight! I really should be tucked in bed by now, fast asleep. The cicadas outside are singing away along in the background of Tony Bennett's "the way you look tonight." The lighting is low--of course!--and George, my stuffed animal gorilla, is tucked closely by my side.

Around me my room is a mess, with boxes and bags and STUFF. Too much stuff. It's so incredible to me...I'm packing! I can't believe that I am already packing up for school. I can't adequately describe the feeling. It's sad. It's crazy! It's exciting. I'm sure you all understand. In a week, you see, we are driving out to Arizona and I shan't be back home until the night before I leave for Gordon. There is so much to do with work and friends.. tonight is my chance to get a proper start!

I don't feel as though I should be leaving. There is too much here that seems to be hanging off the edge of some precipice. I feel as though I need to be here to take care of things.. to be here for friends who are going through really rough times. This week has been so difficult for me in that regard--this whole summer has! Off of the skewer and into the bonfire. And yet God is gracious, and I know somewhere where I can't see He is working. But for now I just have to trust Him. And when I leave, I know I shall REALLY have to trust Him.

Oh my friends, I am quite weary. I try to spend a lot of time praying and spending time with God and drawing my strength from Him, but it seems only a matter of minutes before I feel exhausted again. Why can't I make it last? Why can't I feel His presence with me all the time? And why do so many things send me into a spiral of brooding. I believe I think too much. Instead of just enjoying His presence, I'm constantly worrying about things and thinking, thinking, THINKING. not praying. thinking. and grieving. My heart feels so full, so burdened. Perhaps it isn't my burden to bear, but perhaps God desires me to bare it. You must be confused, I fear I'm rambling. My dear friends are going through so, so much! From a foreclosure to parent issues, depression, unhealthy isolation, to my dear, dear Lucy. There are so many things I could say about Lucille! She is so much fun, beautiful, and beautifully selfless, and also, my closest friend here at home. I wish she was here right now and that I could keep her safe forever. She's in an awful lot of trouble and I can't do anything about it. I tried. But, I'm afraid I failed. Everyone around her is telling her different things and she is getting so confused. She tells me what they say and I don't know either. One person seems like they are telling the truth one time, and other another time. There is so much more I should like to tell, but I couldn't write it like this.. I would have to tell you in person. I would like to say however, that you three have been such an incredible encouragement to me and a wonderful gift from God! So thank you! And thank You dear LORD! I love you each so very much!

Sincerely,
Sarah