how i miss each of you. so much, especially this week for some reason...your thoughts, conversations, and hearts are absent in an evident way. i keep checking on this little blog and feeling a sigh of disappointment that it has not been updated - and then i remember that i have not updated in a few weeks either... so here i am, ceasing to be a hypocrite. haha
let's see. hannah mentioned about her show. and oh, her words ring true. it was such a joy and honor to be a part of - how glad my heart is for hannah and her musical talents. God has gifted our dear friend and others are reaping the benefits of her incredible melodies. praise God.
that show took place on the Sunday that i returned from my family reunion. . . (we go to the bouncefunplex Friday night, and Knoebels (a family friendly amusement park with free admission, parking and FUN! ;) haha) on Saturday and hang out my grandparent's cabin the moments inbetween.)
(we always ride the carousel first, and this was the first year my grandparents rode it with us! wooohooo! they loved it. haha)
thank you for your thoughts and prayers - the weekend was a true blessing. a blessing in the sense of the word that it contained everything that is life, including joy and sorrow, ache and hope. it was exhausting and heart wrenching at times, but also beautiful in ways that words cannot describe. tears rolled down my face as we drove home, tears of both gratitude and longing. i was specifically thankful for moments and conversations that God stirred between my cousin Laura and i. Laura is older than me - she has two small boys who are so great and adorable and i often think of her more as my aunt than my cousin. i digress... we often found ourselves helping prepare food in the kitchen or walking side by side and in talking we discovered that we both are really interested in gardening and food, being healthy, making sure kids play outside, etc. etc. it was such an encouragement talking to someone else in my family so interested in such things. especially someone older and wiser than me. from there conversation moved smoothly and gradually to God, to church and heaven, questions and hardships and struggles - i was amazed at how open laura was with me with various spiritual subjects. her husband david grew up in a strict catholic background and he is very hesitant and wary of all that is church. he is also quite the workaholic and sometimes struggles to make time for family. laura expressed this struggle with me, as well as her intentions and desires to belong to a church body, her desire to return to God. one conversation even turned to heaven and it was really neat hearing that we both have been thinking about heaven recently, in very different ways, but the commonality of subject brought thought-provoking conversations and for that i am so thankful. spending time with laura was such an encouragement to me and i wish so badly that she did not live all the way in wisconsin.
on sunday to end the weekend we had our own little church service as a family. (it's always hard to know how to handle sunday mornings when our family tends to be all over the map when it comes to wanting to know God...) my mom had this idea that we should all just go around and share one thing from our year to sort of catch up the family on where we are in life since most of us only see each other that one weekend out of the year. my friends, i was floored with the authenticity and honesty expressed within the group. more of my family members alluded to spiritual experiences/times of God pursuing them than i would have dreamed! it was such an encouraging time sensing that perhaps God is answering prayers, perhaps he is finally softening hearts and breaking down walls... oh goodness it was lovely. and i am so so thankful.
we returned from the reunion weekend and brought with us Jessica and Jonah. Jessica and Jonah are children to my Aunt Janet (my mom's younger sister) who passed away suddenly three years ago. When she was still alive, we used to "trade children" for weeks in the summer - we would go down to Virgina for a week, ride horses and play in the rolling hills of Virginia loving every second of it - and then her children would come here for a week and we would do whatever we do at my house. haha So anyway, we still wanted to have special time with Jessica and Jonah (they are now 7 and 13 respectively.) so this was the 2nd year they came to spend time at our house for a week. (Thankfully, my uncle is ok with them still coming, though it's hard for him to see them go for a week.) It's always bittersweet spending time with them. They remind me so much of my aunt, they stir up so many memories. I remember specifically one moment when Jessica was sitting in my hammock chair and I was trying to recount to her a story of her mom, her "other" mom. Tears came to my eyes as she failed to remember and her thoughts drifted quickly to the next subject, not really caring about my sentimental attitude and deep desire for her to understand the incredible person her mom was. It aches to know that she has no memory of my aunt. She was four when she passed away and now that my uncle is remarried, I think Jessica forgets that she even had another mom. . . it's good that children can move on, and it's good that Jessica has a new mother, but the ache is still there. And sometimes I still don't know what to do about it, but it's ok. God is good and provides space for reflection and tears as well as joy and hope. All in all, the week with them was good - exhausting for sure, but good.
Other than those things, I have just been working - but working has been going well. I have been finding joy in the little things - finding purpose in weeding and mowing and hanging out with children. My attitude has shifted towards mowing and weeding and I find myself dreading it less and less, praise God! Reading Wendell Berry has been helpful in this, being reminded that all things are holy, all things contain the living breath of God. (Man, I should not wait so long to update this, so much I want to say!...) I have been making room for both friends and family and that has been good for my soul, too. My friends and I have been playing a lot of soccer and whiffle ball lately so that's always a good time. I've been making food and spending time with my parents, a true joy.
One crazy note on babysitting - an item of prayer, for sure. Quite out of the blue, my children have this huge interest in voodoo dolls. They were away last weekend and came home with two. When we went to the library they wanted to check books out on Voodooism and had all these questions that I had no idea how to answer. Not wanting to let them check those books out on my library card, I was really thankful that they were already checked out. (although it made me sad, knowing that there are children's books on Voodooism. and it also made me sad that they were checked out, you know?) Oh friends, it's frightening! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I know very little about Voodooism...hardly enough to explain it to an adult, let alone a child. Your prayers are appreciated. I never saw this coming and I do not know what I am supposed to do about it. It's weird. I feel small and powerless and dumb. (but I know that's the devil, I know God trumps every evil spirit. I must cling to that.)
Other than that, you can pray for my relationship with God in general. I do not know how to attach words to it, but I've been struggling. struggling to seek wholeheartedly, to love, to be obedient and listen - and mostly to make time for God. I am missing each of you and your inspiring presence. Pray for a deep desire to know God, to cherish his Word and hold it in my heart - and to trust him with everything I am. Trust is something that I lack and I am consistently reminded of that. I am just starting to read the book Surprised by Hope (by N.T. Wright) and also trying to memorize Psalm 25 before the end of summer. Memorization is a discipline (as is running and biking and waking early... I am learning about discipline this summer too.)
Well, I apologize if this is a ramble-y mess but that's about all I have right now. It's Sunday and we're off to a family cook-out this afternoon (because really, what is the 4th of July without at least one cook out? haha) later hopefully some fireworks will be watched, and tomorrow we are boating with some old family friends. (Nina, we're boating with Hannah and her family - the one we stayed with in Philly :) ) It's been a good weekend thus far and I am so thankful for the time off.
I sincerely hope you all are thriving and finding joy in your summers. I echo Hannah's thoughts - keep writing! It's always a delight to read your words.
with a heart so full,
ashley
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